How Beijing can take back Taiwan nonviolently

As chairman of Warmongers United I was floored when hearing the bad news that Xi now wants peaceful reunification with Taiwan, but given these lemons it’s best to make a punchbowl of lemonade, so let me introduce Operation Rock the Boat:

Beijing should send 10,000 small boats of happy and drunk partygoers to the beaches of Taiwan. If each civilian boat carries ten people it will be possible to transport 100,000 party animals to Taiwan, each day. That is ten million civilian merrymakers in just one hundred days.

Taiwan’s original population: 23 million. China got 1400 million citizens. So if Xi invites all Han Chinese on the mainland to join the largest party ever held on Earth, in Taiwan, the island can easily get over 30 million new inhabitants within a year.

Autonomous vessels can clear all mines in the water before cruise ships anchor near the beaches of Taiwan. Large amphibious party vehicles that are able to withstand exploding mines on the beaches can bring merrymakers from cruise ships to the interior of the island. When a beach is cleared the first objective is to build a nightclub and a brewery.

One can expect Taiwanese soldiers to arrive quickly, but they will not kill friendly civilians who sing: Fight for your right to party!

Large fans can keep tear gas away from the party tents. Portable walls are an effective way to neutralize nonlethal crowd control weapons. But what if the Americans try to do a Noriega? No problem. Noise-cancelling headsets with music can keep the party going all night long. When the crowd of dancing Chinese quickly grows to one million people it becomes impossible for the police and military to stop the party.

Ultra-liberals in the West support nonviolent mass immigration to Europe and America, so they don’t have much credibility if criticizing that 30 million Han Chinese on the mainland join their 23 million Han Chinese brothers and sisters in Taiwan. When these 30 million are “assimilated” they can vote on whether Taiwan should remain independent or reunite with the mainland.

Some liberal party killers may nevertheless argue that I’m very irresponsible indeed when giving party tips and advice to CCP. But no need to worry. Firstly, it’s beyond the psychological capacity of Chinese military generals to conquer land by partying all the way to Taipei. Beating the Guinness record for the largest festivals and pop concerts on Earth will never be part of their war plans. Secondly, it’s no doubt that PLA is already aware of “demographic warfare” and “colonization through mass immigration”. North America and Australia were to a large degree conquered by immigrants from Europe. Tibet and Xinjiang are also full of settlers, from China. I’m only pointing out that an invasion is more fun when the participants are slightly drunk and listen to good music.

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